Down by the Sea of Hopeless Dreams

I was swimming in a barren sea with nothing but rocks underneath. I kept moving forward until I found the first sign of life. When I came up for air, I noticed that I’ve reached the other end of the ocean. It was much more bountiful than the side from which I came. Near the shore, surrounded by girls whose faces I can’t remember, was a figure of someone I know so well—you. For a second, our eyes met. You looked at me with blank eyes and a lopsided grin, and I found myself inching a little closer. I tried to stay, but something inside me pulled me back to the desolate waters, and back to the shore that’s almost void of life.

Back on my side of the sea, I was being called home. Standing near the shore, I decided to stay out a little longer, hoping that you’d come for me. I never thought you would, but still I hoped. As I was about to walk away, someone grabbed a hold of my hand and stopped me. The touch was familiar, and I knew then whose hands held mine. You tried to look me in the eye, but my gaze was downcast. I wasn’t even looking at you, but I could feel your lips slowly part. And just when you were about to say something, just when I could almost hear your breath turn into words, I woke up.

Rediscovering

After yesterday's rediscovering, I tried to look for more of my old writings to know the kind of person I was then and see how much I've grown. I was never much of a factual writer, as I was drenched in all things fiction. All my writings tended to be of ideal scenarios that have never and may never come to life. A lot of these things end up forgotten in one of my notebooks or in another blog, and I don't know why I never got around to sharing it on here. Maybe I was just being lazy. Or maybe I was waiting for the right time? I don't know.

Photo taken from  http://weheartit.com/entry/8399554

Inspired from the photo above, I wrote this on the 31st of March 2011:

I wish we could just lie here and read each other’s minds and hear each other’s hearts. No need for silly conversations and acting all cool on the outside. We’d have each other’s raw thoughts and feelings to assure us of this moment, of this time together. In this moment, we are not two bodies in search of convergence, but one soul living with burning passion.

The first few minutes after reading it, I wasn't quite sure if it was really something I've written. I tried to look it up on Google to make sure, but I couldn't find a match. The first three sentences felt like mine, but the last one was somehow foreign to me. Did I write this half asleep? Maybe. It took me a while to remember (or confabulate) that it is indeed one of my work. I then felt like maybe I could end up writing a cliche of a young adult novel. (insert eye rolls here)

On one of my short story writing binges, I came up with a snippet that I intended to expand when I had the time. I never got around to doing it, and now I don't think I ever will. It's a dead end. Reading it again makes me cringe a little on the inside, but I think it's worth sharing before it's completely forgotten.

A Mistake I’m Willing To Make

I love you. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I’m defying all my self-imposed rules, and I don’t even care. You are the first puff of smoke and the last drop of alcohol. You are sinful yet unmistakably delightful. You make my knees of stone wobble like jelly and my putrid heart is renewed like spring’s first blossom.

In the end, I know, you’ll only break my heart and crush my soul, but right now, I don’t give a damn. Make me feel like shit, I don’t care. Just let me love you. For now, for this very moment, let me embrace this insanity.

Although I still find myself writing bites of fiction every now and then, somehow it's just not the same as the ones I used to write. Themes have changed, the writing voice has changed. I realize that maybe my writing has evolved in some way. It has changed because, well, I myself have changed.

Day 18: Whom do I admire the most?

I know what you're thinking. Still doing the challenge? Well, I can't just quit on Day 17. I have to finish this thing no matter how long it would take. Oh, and this just might be the first and last blogging challenge I might take on by the way. I've come to the conclusion that 30-day challenges can be quite a pain in the ass. Anyway, to set the slow ball rolling, here's Day 18.

If I have to answer this in strict terms and choose someone I know in real life, my answer would be my parents. Yeah, yeah, I know. I glorify my parents too much. So to spare you from all the cliches that could only come from a doting child, I'm going to pick someone from a different world instead.

For those who love books and fiction, I'm sure there's that one character who stands out and stays with you for the rest of your life. For me, that character is Susan "Stargirl" Caraway. The quirky yet fascinating girl from Jerry Spinelli's imagination embodied the kind of person I wish to be. She's funky, cool, and very um...well, different. The best part is she doesn't even care! And although falling in love caused her to dim her light, she finds a way to get up and shine even brighter.

"She was elusive. She was today. She was tomorrow. She was the faintest scent of a cactus flower, the flitting shadow of an elf owl. We did not know what to make of her. In our minds we tried to pin her to a corkboard like a butterfly, but the pin merely went through and away she flew."

It's True!

I found this note in my back pocket as I groggily woke up from what might have been a terrible fall. I can’t remember what happened before all that, but this note gave me all the information I needed. Now I know this would make no sense, but I never write to myself unless it’s something very important that I need to remember. I couldn’t believe it at first either, but then there’s something awfully familiar about all of it. Every word on that note feels like a puzzle piece filling in the holes to my memory. I don’t know how else to make you believe me, so I’ll just let you read it. I’ve encoded the contents of the note as the original was barely legible. Well, here goes.

As I’m writing this down, two men in black suits are currently looking for me to erase my memory. There’s no time to explain. They might find me any moment. I have made a discovery that would make world and otherworld history and I intend to remember as much of it as I can. This might sound crazy, but trust me, all of it is true. I am only going to write down key events in the hope that all the minute details would just come rushing back in time.

Earlier this morning I found a dusty old closet in the attic that was left to us by my grandma. It was locked and marked “Keep closed at all times”. Normally I would’ve stepped away before my allergies could act up, but something was pulling me towards it. I found the key to the lock on the old key bowl at the far end of the room. When I opened it, I found it to be endless. My instincts told me to run away but my curiosity got the best of me.

I went inside the closet and walked on for 20 minutes or so before I bumped into a faun with buttons for eyes that went by the name of Mr. Baggins. He introduced himself as the Keeper of the Keys and Grounds of someplace I can’t quite remember. It was starting to get too creepy for me, so I told him I had to go home. But when I turned to go back where I came from, everything was covered in trees. He then told me that the only way out was by “running through a royal wall”. I was going to ask him some more, but then a tree went berserk on us. Slamming its huge branches to the ground, intent on beating us to a pulp.

We made it out alive and he took me to see the white queen because he was running late for a royal engagement. After much trouble, I was able to talk to the queen and asked her if I could run through the royal wall. She never asked me why but told me she’d let me run through the wall that held the king’s cross if I delivered a ring to a green wizard. I obliged, and to that she handed me the ring which she calls her precious. The ring burned my skin which caused me to drop it. Eyes went wide as the queen called me an outsider. Everyone was suddenly out to get me and the queen screamed to have my head cut off. I ran as fast as I could into the woods where I saw a green witch with bushy brown hair talking to some animals about a planned coup. They were wary of me at first but in the end decided to help me. They were the ones who took me to the magic mirror that could take me home. The witch told me not to worry when I get home as nobody from their world could harm me there. The best they could do is to send the queen’s memory guards to wipe off any memory of the place.

When we reached the mirror, Mr. Baggins was there waiting. He bared his fangs as he tried to jump toward me, but a flying monkey fought him off. The witch shoved me into the mirror before the guards could put their hands on me. I went out of the mirror on the closet and landed on the attic floor. I have locked the closet so they could not follow me through the mirror, but they could still get me through the royal wall. There are –

AOSON AI ZOA NOZOS!

The note ended abruptly so I’m guessing the memory guards caught up with me quickly. The note was crumpled in my back pocket as well, signifying haste on my part. There’s still more that I could not recall at the moment. There’s so much more, I’m sure. And that last line of strange words, I am yet to find out its significance. I am faced with all these mysteries, but one thing is clear to me though. All the stories are true. Trust me.

Love, The Frog Princess

Disclaimer: This is another fictional work. Okay, El? LOL. :P

I’ve been told to wait countless times. I’ve been lead to believe that Prince Charming would someday come to sweep me off my feet. I grew up thinking that my life was a fairy tale waiting to happen. I’m not saying I was raised in falsehood, but that glimmer of hope has somehow dimmed and it’s getting harder to believe the things that I used to bet my heart on.

For years I’ve convinced myself that I was but an ugly duckling. I would grow out of my not-so-pleasant looks and one day turn into a beautiful and elegant swan. After I turned 18 though, it became evident that it wasn’t the case. I was no ugly duckling. I’m a frog princess doomed to be an eyesore for eternity until true love brushes its lips against mine. I would remain horrid to the eyes of many until a man sees past my exterior and find the true beauty that lies within me.

It’s so much harder than it looks though. Plenty of men claim to give more weight on a woman’s character, but they only try to get to know the person that catches their eye. They seldom give the unpretty girl a second thought. Ah, how better it is to be a man! They do not wait for women to come talk to them, they assert themselves and approach whoever captures their fancy. Girls may have control over the game of courtship, but it is the men who initiate. Even if he doesn’t look like a Greek god, there’s still a chance that he takes home the prize because women can be swayed with constant wooing and good showmanship. It’s easy for us to change our minds about men and look beyond their appearance because they are given the opportunity to flaunt their strengths, while we just wait to get noticed.

I’m not belittling womanhood, mind you, as I am proud to be a lady. However, in the matter of romance, I believe I have spoken the truth. I can’t go up to a man and simply declare my interest and availability without subjecting myself to disapproving looks and hushed name-calling. I am to behave as any proper lady should and I can’t help but feel that I might just end up being a spinster. The waiting game may not work to my advantage. My prince, on his way to find me, might come across a beauty asleep or a lovely damsel on a tower and would no longer go any further than where he is. This frog princess may grow old waiting for a prince that may never come and I may never have a taste of that spell-breaking kiss.

So if you’re out there, fairy godmother, hear this: If I’m not meant to be with a man, if I’m destined to journey through life alone, at least take away the ache and the longing. Grant my heart the understanding that life is not all about ever afters with someone. Help me understand that I deserve to be happy with whatever I have and whoever I am. Bless me with contentment so that I may accept the way I look and see for myself the beauty inside me that I claim to possess. I’m not giving up my fantasies of finding true love; I just don’t want to keep my hopes up any longer. I don’t want to expect no more, to leave room for surprises, no matter how my story might end. If not, at least give me a prince that’s worth the wait.

...

Fiction

I laughed so hard when my friend told me that she thought the short stories I wrote were about me. Seriously, the three short stories I recently wrote and posted here were fictional. It didn't involve me or anyone I know. They are all love children of my wild imagination and immense boredom.

So to avoid further confusion, I've re-tagged those posts and placed FICTION. :)

The Perfect Stranger

The last of the three stories.

I’ve never approved of blind dates. I find that kind of arrangement too desperate and creepy. However, after almost a year of eating mac-and-cheese alone and playing solitaire on Friday nights, I decided to give it a try. Agreeing to it proved to be a wrong move though, because my date turned out to be total jackass. That’s why after “accidentally” spilling some wine on him, I sat on the bar alone. I don’t really drink, but it just felt like the appropriate thing to do at that time. So there I sat, thinking about the poor life choices I’ve made and how low I’ve sunk.

I’m not sure how much I drank that night, but somehow I must have been really drunk because at that time I witnessed an apparition. An angel appeared and sat beside me. He was really beautiful and was dressed to the nines. I could only gape at this marvellous creature that sat beside me and flashed me the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen.

I sat very still after that. I couldn’t concentrate on my drink. All I could think about was how awful I look sitting beside such beauty. I was a wreck and I should probably have left, but I couldn’t. I wanted to bask in the presence of this handsome demigod. He probably noticed how my hands were trembling because he turned to me and asked if I was okay. His sensual accent made it hard for me to move without effort. I could only turn my head halfway and smile meekly when I replied, “Could be better.” I probably should’ve just smiled at him and not bother to give him an actual answer as he was, I’m sure, just being nice and didn’t really care how I was feeling. However, I was caught off guard when he frowned a little and asked me to explain. Why would this man care?

For an hour or so we talked about how my life wasn’t going the way I hoped it would and how hard it was to find someone who’s actually worth my time. Every time he opens his mouth to say something, I find myself admiring him more. He was really smart and very nice – a killer combination. And when he laughs, God, I swear I could feel tingles on my toes. I was really into the guy. He was the man I’ve always dreamed of. Jackpot.

He was such a catch. Too good of a catch, in fact, that he’s taken. Oh, God, How could I have even thought I had a chance with the guy? Surely he was off the market! Plus I didn’t think I was his type so I guess I was just being entirely foolish thinking our little encounter would have lead to something more. He was only here for a week to surprise his wife for her birthday, which I thought was awfully sweet. They were supposed to meet in that same restaurant but it turned out that his wife had to finish something important and was running late.

Two hours have passed and still no sign of his wife. I began to wonder if maybe fate was giving me an opportunity to do what I’ve always wanted since this beautiful stranger came along. Maybe fate wanted me to take a chance before I wake up from the dream. So as he was explaining to me how they made their relationship work, I closed my eyes and took a leap of faith. I leaned into him and kissed him. I expected him to shove me off, but he didn’t. He didn’t kiss me back either, in case you were wondering. He just sat still and let me do what I wanted to do. When I realized how much of a fool I was making myself out to be, I let go. It was probably the most embarrassing thing I have ever done in my entire life and he just sat there and smiled.

After apologizing for what seemed like an eternity, he lifted up my chin and told me it was alright. He told me he’d be lying if he said he didn’t like it, but he knew he had boundaries he shouldn’t cross. Being the perfect gentleman that he is, he let me down slowly and told me what I wanted to hear. He told me how beautiful I really was and how much he adored my personality, but that there’s someone else out there for me. He told me how I should be patient and that someday I’d find someone who’d go out of his way to surprise me for my birthday as well. In his words, he told me how I didn’t deserve to be just a one-night stand to a married foreigner. I deserved so much more than that.

When the door of the restaurant swung open, a plain looking lady came in and waved at him. He told me his wife had arrived and offered to introduce me to her. I declined and said that I really had to go. We had a perfect two hours without even exchanging names, and I wanted to leave that wonderful moment the way it was.

On my way out of the restaurant, I thought about the blissful two hours we’ve shared. Tonight I met the perfect stranger and he turned out to be an angel. A French angel who was sent to lift my spirits up and restore my faith to the world. So before I started to walk home, I turned to look at him through the window and said, “Au revoir étranger.”

The Prince

With much enthusiasm and diligence, Juanita drew. Her crayons were scattered on the floor and her paper was thin from too much erasing. She wanted her work to be perfect and didn’t mind what was going on around her. The time for recess had come and she still showed no sign of stopping anytime soon. Luis, the kid with whom she shared her table with, asked her to go play with him at the playground and she didn’t even bother to look up. Juanita has never ignored him before so it made him frown, emphasizing the heart shaped birthmark on the corner of his lips.

Being the curious little boy that he is, Luis asked what it was she was so busy with. He didn’t like being ignored, so he wanted to know what it was that got hold of Juanita’s full attention.

“I’m drawing my prince charming”, she replied. ”I need to make it really good so I’d know him when I see him.”

“Cool!” said Luis. “Can I help?”

Juanita just shrugged in response and said, “I guess.”

There they sat for the remainder of their recess. Juanita drew as Luis offered his thoughts. It was Luis who said that princes no longer wore crowns, but used multicoloured caps instead. It was his idea to have the prince wear blue because, according to him, princes don’t like red. It was also he who had said that sneakers were what princes wore nowadays. Luis would tell Juanita how to draw her prince and she’d simply follow like a mindless droid.

When they were done, they patted each other’s back for a job well done; just the way their teacher, Miss Chan, does. It was as perfect as they could hope. Proud of their work, they decided to show it to Miss Chan. But before Juanita could hand it to their teacher, Luis snatched the drawing from her to give it the “final touch”. After adding a little detail, he folded it and handed it to her.

Juanita walked up to Miss Chan’s table with a big smile on her face and handed her the folded drawing. As Miss Chan opened the drawing, she made a curious face before smiling so sweetly. Juanita wasn’t sure what Miss Chan had in mind and thought that maybe she didn’t think it was good enough. Before Juanita could open her mouth to ask for drawing back, Miss Chan patted her on the back and said, “Well done, Juanita. You even drew his birthmark.”

Confused, Juanita asked, “What?”

Miss Chan just smiled a little wider and said, “It’s so sweet of you to draw Luis.”

Tides Turned

My attempt at writing a short story.

The rain was pouring hard. Every drop of rain slammed to my umbrella with fierce intensity and I was just standing there on the sidewalk, staring into space. It’s been three years since that fateful day and yet I still find myself coming here every day for the past year, hoping to see him come out of that big black door and run towards me.

“Hey, move it!” The sound of a man’s voice and his screeching bike tires startled me. That was when I realized how stupid I looked. Why did I keep coming back here anyway? Why did I want to keep hurting myself like this? I made a stupid decision once upon a time, and now I had to man up to it and live with the bitterness of regret.

I saw the door open and out came Johnny –- or should I say, Conner. That’s what they call him now. He’s no longer mine and they made it official by giving him another name. Ha! Why did I even bother to look for him when he clearly doesn’t need me and all my baggage in his life?

The sky was starting to clear up and the rain had reduced to a drizzle. I kept my eye on Joh–- I mean, Conner, hoping he’d look my way once. I didn’t care if he wouldn’t recognize me; all I asked was a quick glance. A passing glance at an odd stranger who stood across the street.

I had stood there in vain, for when they drove away he didn’t even look my way. I remained standing there for twenty minutes, keeping my eye on a moving truck that was long gone out of sight. I’ve abandoned him a long time ago, now he has abandoned me. With tears in my eyes and thorns in my heart, I whispered to the wind what I came here to say. Happy birthday, son.