Day 17: What do I wish I could say to someone?

Well, this is awkward. I'm not sure how I can make you listen to me, because you hardly ever do, but I might as well try. I know you probably feel like shit right now--you usually do. You probably feel like you're good for nothing and that you're only here in this world to suffer, but let me tell you this: you're wrong. If only you'd look hard enough, you'd see that you are worth so much more than you think, and that the world's yours for the taking.

I am fully aware of your crippling insecurities, but you need to remember that you are what you are. How you'd fare in the world depends on how you harness what you have. True, you're not the best at anything, but you can be better. Stop comparing yourself with others as it will only make you feel worse. Instead, take notes and improve your craft. Don't look at yourself in the mirror for more than a minute. Well, who am I kidding? You love the mirror. Well, if you must look at yourself in the mirror for more than a minute, remember that everyone has flaws. A lot of people are just good at concealing them--either with makeup or photoshop. Fix what you can, and embrace what you can't. You'll be living with it for the rest of your life, so there's no point in hating.

If you're feeling lost, know that you are right where you're supposed to be. I know how unsure you are of things as you finally start to take charge of your life, but that's the beauty of it. Uncertainty brings forth surprises. You need to remember though, that even if you play the game by your own rules now, you can't win without a good team to back you up. I know how you're trying to invest in memories, but don't forget to invest in people as well.

One more thing: stop living in the shadows. Stand up. Speak up. Be heard. You've got a voice--don't be afraid to use it. (Well, except perhaps when singing is involved) Don't be afraid to make mistakes because you'll learn from it. Stop caring about how you sound to other people, because they don't care how they sound to you. It pays to be silent and reserved, but when you have to, speak. You are your biggest oppressor, so stand up against yourself if you have to. Don't let your brilliant ideas die in the back of your head.

You are on a great adventure, and you are well equipped to face the challenges it brings. Never forget that. Do not ever let anything, or anyone, make you feel less than what you are. You have what it takes to a live a beautiful life, so live it. You may not always get credit for it, but you help make this world a little more interesting. Take pride in that and smile. And when things get a little too much to handle, remind yourself of how strong you are.

Oh, and yeah. Don't forget to believe in me. Always.

Love,

Yourself

Day 16: What do people notice about me?

We are not the best judges of ourselves. That's a proven fact. Most of the time, what we see in the mirror is not what others see. So to keep this free from personal bias, I asked five friends to tell me the first thing they notice about me. With their minds set to the idea of meeting me for the first time, here's what they've got to say:

Ralph said that if he didn't know me, I would seem like an introvert if alone, but would have an outward disposition when with friends. Although he said that physically I seem very fragile, he made up for it by saying I'm witty. He also added that emotionally I come off as someone serious and focused.

When we first met, Cyd said she got the impression that I was a rich kid, and that was what she noticed first. I don't know where she got such an outrageous idea, but that's what she said.

To Emilou, my glasses took the spotlight. She said that my glasses caught her attention, thinking it was just a fashion statement. She found out soon enough that it wasn't the case. She also poked fun at my voice, saying it was another thing she noticed about me.

Marah, one of my BFF's since high school, said that I seem silent and reserved. She also said that I'm the type that people would judge as "maarte" at first, which is very true. I guess this explains Cyd's answer.

After asking him, Macau gave me this for an answer: "The first thing I noticed about Francis was his love for cartoon characters and/or marvel superheroes. It just goes to show how happy his childhood was, enjoying his own fantasy rather than giving a crap on a bitchy reality."

Getting varied answers, I realized that what people notice about you says something about them just as much as it does about you. We choose how we present ourselves to the world, but how we are seen depends greatly upon the world. How's that for an early morning reflection? ;)

Day 15: What do I dislike most about myself?

If you're wondering why it took me so long to write my Day 15, you can blame it on my crazy work schedule and good old procrastination. Also, I haven't been in the writing mood for months now. I feel so out of touch. I even considered quitting the challenge, but something inside prodded me to give it one more go and see it through. After all, I have faced bigger challenges, and will certainly be facing more. So here I am, doing Day 15 at the most inappropiate place and time. Shhh.

As I have mentioned a couple of times, there are plenty of things about me that I don't like. I could write a list, but I don't know how long it would go, and I probably would just end up feeling depressed for days. I try hard not to remind myself of my flaws because I have the rest of the world to do that for me. (And they do the job pretty well, if you ask me) Also, to write down what I dislike most about myself would be especially hard, since I have declared this day to be Good Vibes Monday—and you can't feel bad about yourself on Good Vibes Monday. Sigh. Oh, well.

I don't know how I ever came to be such an insecure being, but that's who I am. And that's what I hate most about myself. I spend most of my alone-time wallowing in self pity and feeling bad for not being good enough. I have my insecurities cling to me like a koala hanging on to a tree. Shaking it off is close to impossible. Sometimes I even think I should see a shrink, simply because I think it's close to being unhealthy. I should explain further, but I don't want to get sucked into the negative feeling (and I don't want to get caught blogging either). So, ciao!